Braver Kids

Every week, I meet with parents about kids with anxiety-driven behavioral problems that are getting in the way. Flat-out refusing to go to (scary) school, throwing a tantrum right before (spooky) bed, running out of the room when asked to (awkwardly) talk to a neighbor or relative... you know, the usual Anxiety Tantrum triggers.

In most cases, we talk about how these Anxiety Tantrums are a kid’s (understandable) attempt to avoid the scary or uncomfortable thing, and how this is not a great long term strategy, as avoiding scary stuff makes the scary stuff even more scary over time.

Finally, we talk about how caregivers can use reward systems as a form of positive reinforcement to increase brave, anxiety-busting behavior. Examples include setting up a Bravery Tracker reward system for school attendance, or using a Bedtime Pass reward system for encouraging brave goodnights.

In sum, as explained to kiddos: "Being brave is hard work, and hard work deserves reward".

However, at this stage, I’ll often have a parent that then replies:

"Rewards for this? I don’t know. I don't want to have to bribe my kid to do something that he should be doing already."

Now, I get it- no one wants to have to resort to bribery to get a child to behave. As it happens, I don’t want you to have to bribe your kid either. However, there is a flaw in this logic. The parent’s statement implies that positive reinforcement (a.k.a. that reward system) is bribery. In fact, it is not.

Bribery is trying to persuade or coerce someone into doing something that you want by giving a gift or other inducement before the action is taken.

Examples:

Giving the judge those Knicks tickets before the sentencing to encourage him to award a lenient sentence.
Slipping the official a $20 bill in hopes he approves your visa paperwork.
Wiring the fighter a bunch of cash before the match and asking him to throw the fight.
Giving your kid a candy bar in the car and saying "Now you have your treat so PLEASE BE GOOD when we get to the nursing home with Great Aunt Mildred! Just like you said you would, ok?!”

The above examples all count as bribes, and are not what I recommend. Real positive reinforcement is not a bribe but a paycheck, something given after an action is completed to honor and reward that hard work.

Examples:

Taking your child to a Knicks game after a year of perfect attendance.
Slipping your employee a $20 coffee card as thanks for his extra hours of effort sorting through visa paperwork.
Wiring the fighter a bunch of cash as agreed after his training pays off and he wins the fight.
Giving your kid that candy bar AFTER a successful and well-behaved visit to the nursing home to visit Great Aunt Mildred.

Now, let’s turn back to anxiety. When we think about what it takes for a child to be brave, it becomes obvious that this hard work is worthy of reward.

Rewards are typically delivered for actions that are important but also difficult, uncomfortable, and require significant effort. This perfectly describes what we are asking anxious kids to do.

Consider a child with separation anxiety- we are asking that child to walk into the party alone despite the wave of nausea, pounding heartbeat, and an almost uncontrollable, neurologically hardwired urge to run back to parents and cling for dear life. Yikes.

Difficult? Check.

Uncomfortable? Check.

Effortful? Check.

Still super important? Cheeeck.

Positive reinforcement, a.k.a. the paycheck for hard work, is not only much more effective than a bribe, it also models how our wider world works. The Hard Work = Reward equation plays out in a million other ways throughout a child’s life:

The hard work of homework earns the reward of good grades
The hard work of keeping good grades earns the reward of acceptance to choice colleges
The hard work of practicing piano over and over and over earns the reward of a great recital
The hard work of introducing yourself to new people earns the reward of new friendships
The hard work of facing adversity earns the reward of confidence and resilience

Hard but important work always earns reward in this world. Always.

Let's circle back to the parent in my office. Common response to this explanation:

"Ok fine, but then won't I have to reward my kid for Every. Little. Thing. from now on? Not into that."

Valid critique, I'm not into that either. Parents don't want their kids to be spoiled or entitled. We certainly don't want Little Billy believing that he should earn rewards for Every. Little. Thing. You know that one child, maybe a friend of a friend's kid, that is only willing to do what needs doing when an extrinsic (a.k.a. external) motivator is present? The one who says “I'll put my sock on if it gets me a cookie!” or “I'll be nice to the neighbor kid today if you buy me that lego set!“ … That's not the goal, nor is it what I recommend.

Hard work does deserve reward… but the keyword here is “Hard.”

If the action is easy, there is no need to reward it. When we reward brave behavior, it is because the behavior is difficult, uncomfortable, and requires significant effort on the part of the child.

Take an anxious child going to school. While it may be physically easy for Little Billy to do the action asked of him, Little Billy is using ALL of his self control to walk through those school doors. Further, he's exercising that Iron Will while also tolerating a tidal wave of really uncomfortable physical symptoms (thanks, false alarm feelings). Same goes for climbing the high dive ladder, going to that party with people you don't know, and staying in bed alone in the dark. That is all absolutely hard work.

The good news? Hard work eventually turns into easy work if you practice it enough. The high dive turns into no big deal, school drop off goes from monstrosity to meh. And when a brave action is no longer hard work, we no longer need to reward it. We can instead re-evaluate what earns that paycheck. Perhaps now, rewards are only given for bravely jumping off the even-higher dive, riding The Dreaded Bus to school instead of parent drop off, or independently going to bed.

Best part? When we reward the hard work of bravery, we end up with ever more confident kids in the process.

Look, you made it to the end! Go you! As as reward for the hard work of making it through this article, I will share what I use in my office when setting up a positive reinforcement system- my extensive rewards list. Onward to Part 2!