Braver Kids

Happy Sunday my friends! You’re in for a treat. The first post in this series discussed the difference between rewards and bribes. If you’ve had a look at Part 1, you now know that rewarding hard work is not bribery, and is actually a great way to encourage brave behavior in anxious kids. Now, as promised, here is my ULTIMATE rewards list.

This resource has been created over many years, born out of my own professional need. I started developing this list when I noticed that almost all the families I worked with struggled to identify rewards that were neither a toy nor a treat. The list, started via extensive googling, has grown over the years, helped along by the excitement of dozens of kids and the creativity of their awesome parents.

While both toys and treats are on this list, I have tried to put together a collection of rewards that focuses more on access to unique privileges, time with family, and experiences. These rewards can be harder to think of on the spot when generating ideas, but are often even more desirable than toys/treats. These rewards are also more likely to be "renewable resources", meaning a child can earn and enjoy them over and over.

This list is in no particular order but generally moves from free/simple/easy to long/complicated/expensive. Expect to find rewards for all ages, from toddler to teen.

Ready? Here's what I ask families to do:

"Print out this reward list and cross off anything that is not an option for your family. For example, cross off any computer options if you do not own a computer- a reward is only valuable if it is actually delivered, just as a paycheck is only worth something if you actually get paid. After this first step, hand the list to your kid and tell them to ‘go reward shopping.’ Have your child highlight their top 3-ish rewards from each printed page. Then, ask them to take the highlighted items and rank-order the chosen rewards from least to most exciting."

Do this, and you now have a tailor made list of the things that would be the most exciting "paycheck" for hard work, and that your kid is most likely to actually work hard to earn.

Those small and simple rewards from that first page might be earned after only a few days, or even earned every night with a Bravery Practice session- think “5 minutes of listening to thunderstorm sounds earns a 5 minute back rub before bed each night!”. Other, larger rewards can be earned with repeated bravery over time, perhaps via a point system. In my office, kids can earn “Brave Bucks" for choosing to complete Brave Challenges, and those Brave Bucks can be traded for a prize pick at the end of our meeting.

You can set up any system you like, but just remember- you want to pick a reward that your kid actually desires and make sure that it’s clear how to earn the reward. Rewards that are pre-identified and “visible”, a.k.a. posted somewhere, will be more motivating- there is a reason that Chuck E. Cheese and Dave and Busters have flashing lights and clear glass cases for their prize area!

Finally, one small note- this list has some location specific options, as I am based in Minneapolis, MN. For those rewards, just sub in your local team/sport/activity and go from there. Snow tubing might turn into tubing on a lake or river in a warm climate (it's May and we had snow here just a few weeks ago as I write this, so if this is you... I’m jealous).

Happy reward hunting!

THE ULTIMATE REWARDS LIST

5 min sleep in
5 min cuddle
5 min extra computer time
5 min extra video games
backrub
choose game for game night
craft time
email to relative abt good behavior
extra song at bedtime
extra story at bedtime
footrub
go for a walk
lunch with parent(s)
paint parent’s nails
paint own nails
pick a silly thing for adult to do
pick dessert
pick message on screensaver
play a board game
play on parent phone
shadow puppet show
stay up late
sweet treat
watch a special movie
watch a special TV show
wear a piece of adult jewelry, tie or watch
download a song
decorate cookie(s)
download a game
download an app
mystery grab bag
buy a book on kindle
buy a new toy
pieces of lego/building set
"rent" game- video game library
"get out of trouble free" card
10 min later curfew
car ride to school (instead of bus)
drive the "good" car
no dinner duty
phone at dinner table
prep study game (DealNoDeal etc)
priority Computer access
priority TV access
go to skate park
go rollerskating
act as Dinner DJ
backyard picnic
break from siblings
breakfast in bed
camp in backyard
camp in living room
choose next day trip
chores pass
cook a secret dish for family
decorate paper dinner placemats
dictate what route is driven home
family talent show
fly a kite
get to be "only child" for a day
go biking
go to beach
go to city
go to pet store
go to the bookstore
go to the library
go to the park
help cook
living room picnic
make a fort
make sailboats from backyard items
mental health stay-home day
no dish duty
permission to play in mud
permission to jump on couch/bed
pick seat at the table
pick seat in the car
pick the next dinner
pick the next family movie
pick where you sleep
picnic in the park
play ball with parent(s)
play dress up
sidewalk chalk greeting on porch
special placemat at dinner
bake a cake
scavenger hunt
use of digital camera- print pics
go fishing
Go out for ice cream
go swimming
buy a book at bookstore
go ice skating
out to lunch
go bowling
go out to a movie
go out to eat
go to museum
Go to the zoo
go camping
go to amusement park
all-house-lights-out hide and seek
all-family ghost in the graveyard
all-family water balloon fight
all-family snowball fight
all-family silly string fight
all-family nerf gun fight
Shaving cream beards
whipped cream pie an adult in the face
host a pizza party
host a potluck
sleepover party
make smores
shoes off for the day
no chores for a day
pick out favorite cereal at groceries
photo shoot in photo booth
1 hour profile pic/headshot photo shoot
drink out of a pineapple/coconut
have a Tropical Night (crank the heat, umbrella drinks, luau music, tropical movie on beach towels)
visit a farmer’s market
make Ice Cream Floats
go watch the sunrise over a lake
go kayaking/paddleboarding
go Snow Tubing
trampoline park trip (Skyzone)
Dave and Buster’s visit
play Mini Golf (Can Can Wonderland is indoor option)
tye-Dye a t-shirt
drive In movie
go to St. Paul Saints Game
go Late Night Stargazing
family Lego Building Competition
go to Airport and watch planes land
make a Cardboard Robot costume (and battle)
breakfast in bed
pancakes for dinner
play “Messy” twister (dyed shaving cream on each dot)
spitball target practice/Spitball Olympics
shaving cream party (fill sink with a can of Barbasol, get wild)
ninja hallway obstacle course (with streamers or string as “lazers”)