Why kids tantrum when anxious and how to handle it
We've all been there. The morning bus, the evening meal, the birthday party. Everything seems to be on track, and then BOOM. No-holds barred meltdown.
Why is my kid freaking out when anxious?
The occasional behavioral outburst is a normal part of child development (special shout-out to the "I said no" tantrum), but some families are dealing with above-average freak outs. I'm talking about kids that are dissolving into a puddle of screaming refusal every day, often multiple times a day, around predictable triggers. In case you are wondering, the big 3 include scary stuff (Uncle’s BIG dog!), new stuff (but that’s a NEW babysitter!), and situations with an uncertain outcome (What if they don’t LIKE me?!).
Parents often tell me that these meltdowns look like the work of an oppositional or defiant kid. However, anxiety is frequently, secretly, driving that tantrum bus. So let's talk why big emotional responses show up, and how anxiety plays a role.
Kids don't tantrum or meltdown for no reason- that is WAY too much energy to expend without purpose! Big emotional responses are intended to do two things:
Signal distress- big emotional displays serve the purpose of signaling to caregivers the discomfort that a child is feeling. Distress signaling is an adaptive behavior that all kids are hardwired to use as a way of attempting to get their perceived needs met– like the infant crying when hungry, or the toddler crying when they can’t have the candy bar. Key word here is perceived. Perceived needs do not always equal actual needs. Does the crying infant need food? yes. Does the crying toddler need the candy bar? No.
Avoid discomfort- big outbursts are an active attempt to get out of an uncomfortable or uncertain situation by getting parents to give in and rescue the child from discomfort via avoidance. The child afraid of germs that goes ballistic when you refuse to wash his 99.9%-clean comforter that you washed 2 days ago? Or the socially anxious teen that throws a fit when you tell them you will not call in sick for them at their summer job? These kids are not just trying to get their way, they are overcome by the "fight" part of the fight or flight response, activated by the possibility of needing to do something scary or uncomfortable.
But, let's be clear: Knowing the reason behind these outbursts does not make that hitting, kicking or screaming ok.
In fact, by allowing kids to successfully avoid or escape an anxiety-provoking situation due to a behavioral outburst, we are doing both ourselves and them a disservice.
First, in treating that tantrum as important and urgent, we are reinforcing the outburst: Effective tantrum = more frequent tantrums. When screaming or whining is effective in getting that candy bar at the grocery checkout, kids will scream and whine for candy at the store more often. Children are not willfully manipulating adults here, they just have some pretty sophisticated pattern recognition software built into their brains. When a specific behavior (screaming) is effective at getting a child's perceived needs met (NEED that candy), the brain files it away for future use. This pattern recognition is a good thing- it’s also how kids learn to say please.
The problem is that when a child’s “perceived need” is to avoid something scary, meltdowns and tantrums are not actually the best way to get that need met, especially as you get older- consider an anxious tantrum at age 2 vs. age 12 vs. age 20. Not a pretty picture.
Second, and much more importantly, by rescuing kids from the anxiety-provoking situation, we are sending the message that we believe Anxiety is right and that fear is warranted. Every time we rescue a child from the discomfort of an uncertain situation, we reinforce the idea that, Yes, you should be scared, and yes, avoidance is a good call. When parents allow kids to avoid scary stuff, it is as though we are saying “I believe this situation is dangerous or intolerable for you, and I don’t think you can handle it on your own.”
So, what should I do instead?
Instead of letting kids avoid the bus, sleep in "the big bed", or skip the performance, your goal with anxious tantrums is to do the same thing you would if the outburst were related to something else- meet the feeling with warmth and understanding, but do not let the tantrum become an effective way of avoiding something that is uncomfortable but inherently safe.
Not allowing kids to get out of an activity they are trying to avoid via a big emotional outburst feels cruel, but is actually one of the kindest things you can do.
Here’s why:
It decreases successful avoidance of the anxiety-provoking situation, resulting in an exposure, a.k.a. the active ingredient in the treatment of anxiety. Exposure to the scary thing often goes by another name: “practice”. Practice with handing uncomfortable but safe things, like presenting in front of others, sleeping independently, petting that dog, translates to decreasing anxiety over time as the brain learns that the activity is safe.
It reduces the effectiveness of the outburst or tantrum as an avoidance strategy, meaning that those anxiety-driven behavioral outbursts will happen less over time (a "yay" for everyone).
It sends a clear signal that you believe the “big feelings” your child is experiencing are safe, tolerable, and manageable, rather than something to be feared and avoided, or that parents need to rescue kids from.
It promotes the skill of distress tolerance and "riding the wave" of big feelings, allowing kids to learn that the feelings, however uncomfortable, are temporary and will subside on their own. Facing uncomfortable situations and big emotions repeatedly over time without avoiding or escaping is how emotional resilience develops!
So that tantrum? A totally adaptive and understandable attempt by your kid to let you know they are uncomfortable, as well as a bid to avoid the discomfort of anxiety.
Your response? Warm empathy for some very valid feelings, and no change in expectations- a firm limit that sends the message that your kid can handle this. Because they can.