Family Food Fight: Picky eating and the holidays

It’s almost Thanksgiving. And for most of us, Thanksgiving means family time, a day or two off of work, acknowledging all the things we have to be thankful for…. And, of course, food. Delicious food.  

However, for some parents, Thanksgiving is one of the most difficult days of the year, and not just because of family drama or underdeveloped turkey-basting skills.  I’m looking at you, parents of picky eaters.   

Meat free? Vegetable free? Nothing stringy/mushy/lumpy/sour/bitter?  Only beige foods cut into triangle shapes and served on the same plastic IKEA plate? In my office I've seen it all. As a child and adolescent anxiety specialist, the kids I see are frequently picky eaters, since anxiety and picky eating are often driven by a similar underlying approach to life: if a person, place, thing, or situation is in any way uncomfortable, unpleasant, or uncertain, then avoid avoid avoid.

What exactly does avoidance look like at the dinner table? If you are the parent of a picky eater, you likely know: anything from mild whining and complaining in front of the company to a full-on tantrum, complete with screaming, running away, and your very own in-home food fight.

Picky eating patterns are both normal and adaptive in kids at certain ages and stages. When children across the globe enter their toddler years, most if not all develop some degree of "food neophobia.”  Research suggests that this is a normal developmental stage that may have evolved as a way of preventing newly mobile (read: walking/running) two-year-olds from accidentally ingesting something toxic or otherwise dangerous when parents are out of sight.  

However, this food selectivity can also get out of hand. By the time I see picky eaters in my office, their eating patterns are often longstanding and so restrictive that they get in the way of family time, friendships, school, or physical health.  

If you have a young one who is a budding restaurant critic, read on: here are some of the main strategies I use in my office for tackling even the most choosy of child palates. 

Tip: No eating will happen without exposure

Repeated exposure to food is the most important tool we have in the treatment of picky eating.  You've no doubt heard that it takes 10-15 tries before a child develops a taste for new food, and it may take a number of presentations before a child is even willing to try the food. However, most parents “give up” on a food after just 5 tries. Even if you are 99% sure that your child will not try it, make sure the new food is available or on their plate.  

Tip: Come to the table hungry

One of the most common traps that parents of picky eaters fall into is the snack trap: child refuses to eat at a meal, parent allows child to snack in-between meals so that they have eaten something (anything!) that will fuel their day... leaving the child less-than-hungry when the next meal rolls around.  The snack trap results in kids that can easily and comfortably refuse foods because they aren’t really hungry anyway.  Snacking also makes it less likely that kids will enjoy the new foods they try.  Any and all food tastes pretty darn good when you are truly hungry (think the beans and rice you ate after hiking on that camping trip, or how amazing dinner tastes after a full day of physical labor).  This is what we want for picky eaters when trying new foods. 

So instead, consider following the guidelines of feeding expert Ellyn Satter in her Division of Responsibility in Feeding- the parent is responsible for what, when and where kids eat, while the child is responsible for how much and whether they eat.  It’s safe and normal for kids to feel hungry, and hungry is not starving. Set a meal schedule and stick to it.

Tip: Everyone loves a challenge

Any interest in sitting down and eating something you're 95% sure will be disgusting? No? Well, this is exactly what parents are asking picky eaters to do. To tackle this, try a little rebranding: take a page out of the recently revived MTV show "Fear Factor" and frame food exposure as a  “challenge" to be beaten with brave eating. Using the language of “brave eating challenges” will reinforce that eating a new food is difficult but doable, and that a competitive and dedicated kid can succeed despite the discomfort.  

Tip: Don't force it... but feel free to stack the odds

As with any “brave challenge” that I do in my office, one of the cardinal rules with food exposure is that the child is in the driver's seat and can choose whether or not to complete the challenge.  Having control over the situation makes it much more likely that kids will be willing to sit at the table and play ball. However, even though I never force kids to try a food, I always use behavioral principles to increase the likelihood that they will take the plunge. This includes adult modeling of brave eating in session and the use of “graded/graduated exposure” techniques, including starting small (and I mean really small- 1 pea versus one bite of peas), starting with “easier” foods (3 out of 10 on the Yuck scale, or new foods that are very similar to preferred foods), and building on success by slowly increasing difficulty and portion size.  I also always improve my chances of a repeat performance through positive reinforcement- celebrating the hard work of brave eating with praise and focused 1:1 adult attention, or even rewards.

Tip: It’s a marathon, not a sprint

Remember that this process can take quite a bit of time. The goal is not to get your child to eat a full portion of a new food at this very moment, but instead to help your child learn to give new foods a chance so they can develop taste preferences over time. I encourage parents to keep a “success journal” so that when the going gets rough, it’s easy to look back and remember how far your child has come. Putting in the work to battle picky eating now will set your child up for an open, adventurous and nutritious culinary adulthood. Not being limited to the kids’ menu at a corporate dinner? Yeah, that’s worth fighting for.

PS: Don’t be afraid to add another teammate

Finally, if your child’s distress is extreme at the mere mention of trying new foods, he or she is “backsliding” in the foods they will eat, or they continue to refuse a majority of foods despite repeated and varied exposure, then it might be time to request additional support.  Some extreme picky eaters need help from a professional such as a clinical psychologist, registered dietician, or developmental pediatrician to move beyond their current eating habits and to rule out other issues or feeding problems. When interviewing professionals, be sure to ask about the individual’s experience with eating issues and their approach to treating picky eating.