The Calming Corner: a self-regulation hotspot
It's been interesting to watch the key areas of difficulty shift over time with the coronavirus stay-at-home order. Parents initially told me they were most struggling with talking to kids about the virus and fielding anxiety around the rapidly changing situation. Now that we are a month in, I’m hearing a lot more concern about the F-word. No, not that one, although truth be told I have been hearing it from parents more often too... The common complaint I'm hearing these days is about frustration.
Unless you have been living under a rock (excellent doomsday bunker location, BTW), you are likely intimately familiar with a number of newly introduced frustration triggers specific to stay-at-home orders. Major complaints include:
limited space (Oh, what? your home office wasn't set up to accommodate 3+ concurrent private video conferences and/or class lessons? Huh.)
increased family/sibling friction (it may not be Jack-Nicholson's-family-getaway levels of friction, but it's not feeling great either)
difficulty tolerating newly necessary limits (“No, Little Billy, you actually can't go play with your neighbor. That's right, even though they are home. And available. And smiling at you from their yard right now. Holding a balloon. And silly string. And sitting on a pony (what?) that's jumping on a trampoline with your favorite cake and a slice just for you...”)
and of course, the infinite difficulties associated with distance learning (Too many examples to list- see here for a summary of many families' thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it's enough to say that after a few days, you may be wondering how you can get this kid transferred out of your class...)
Put it all together, and many of us have irritable, easily frustrated kids on our hands. Even worse, with our new living parameters in place, we just can't use the same coping strategies as before. Parents may not be available for soothing 24/7, blowing off steam at the playground or with friends may not be a safe option, and home internet bandwidth may not always be available for those ever-calming youtube videos. Like a pressure cooker with no release valve, loss of self-regulation coping strategies mean frustration builds until it blows, usually in a spectacular way.
If you're one of those fielding a truckload of kid frustration, consider this self-regulation hotspot your saving grace: the Calming Corner. Much like an emotion regulation gym, the calming corner is a space that kids can practice “inhibitory control”- your brain’s ability to suppress the impulsive, looking-back-bad-idea responses that show up with big feelings. Inhibitory control is a part of our Executive Functioning (EF) skill set and an essential part of managing our emotions (if EF is new to you, I’ll let Cookie Monster explain it beautifully here).
Read on my friends, for a quick and dirty rundown on this gem.
What is a calming corner?
A calming corner is a small space, preferably set away from busy areas, where a child or teen can go to re-regulate when upset or frustrated by a situation. Kids have come up with alternate fun names for this space- “the calm-down cave”, “the pit stop”, “the spa”, “chill-out zone” etc. Ask your child what they would like to call it- it’s their space, after all.
Who can use a calming corner?
The short answer is: everyone. Truly, a calming corner can be used and used well by any person who at times becomes frustrated, angry or upset and has a hard time bringing themselves back to baseline. While calming corners are most often created for kids, adults can benefit from having a space to relax and reset too!
Where should we set up the calming corner?
Ideally, the space will be quiet and set away from high-activity areas of the house. For example, the kitchen is usually not the best place for a calming corner. The space can be a small tent or blanket fort (younger kids love this), a window seat, beanbag chair, or just a comfortable, soft chair/pillow/couch cushion tucked away in a corner. Families have used a corner of the dining room, the space behind a couch, or even an unused closet as a calming corner.
I don’t have enough space for a permanent calming corner. What now?
It’s nice if the calming corner can be permanent or semi-permanent, since this will mean that your child knows exactly where they should go when they are upset (which is an adaptive coping strategy all by itself). However, if this is not feasible, a good alternative is a “calm down kit”, a small portable box/bin of calming tools in a pre-identified/known location that can be brought out and taken to a quiet area for use. Picking a place for the kit to "live" in the house is essential, since you need your child to be able to quickly seek it out when upset.
What should I put in my calming corner?
The calming corner should have materials which will help kids and teens access their self-regulation and coping strategies so that they can ride that wave of frustration and soothe themselves in a safe and age-appropriate way. In general, calming corners should have things that will engage the senses, distract or refocus attention, promote relaxation or slow, deep breathing, and allow energy to be released in a safe way.
When should my child go to the calming corner?
A child should go to the calming corner when they are becoming frustrated or upset. The best time to encourage children to use a calming corner is when they are just starting to become upset, a 3-6 on a scale of 1-10. It’s more difficult to use a calming corner when a child is at a 9 or 10 of 10 (i.e. a full-blown meltdown) because the child is so dysregulated (read: frustrated/angry/upset) that they probably won’t be able to use the strategies available in that area to re-regulate themselves.
One other important note: this space should never be used as a “time out” area- learning to calm down and handle anger is not a punishment, it’s a positive skill deserving of praise!
Item options for the Calming Corner:
Things to engage the senses
Music and/or music player
Soothing instruments (e.g. rain stick)
Fidget toys
Stress balls
Slinky
Pillows
Soft blankets
Mini massagers
Lotion
Eye mask
Weighted blanket
Chewies or chewing gum
Things to distract or refocus attention
Deck of cards for shuffling or solitaire
Paper for origami
Knitting or other fine motor crafts
Books
Journal
Sketchbook
I Spy books
Sudoku
Mazes
Rubik’s Cube or other visual puzzles
Things to release energy safely
Old phonebook or newspaper for tearing
Play doh for squishing
Cotton balls for pulling apart
Crazy Aaron’s Thinking Putty or Silly Putty for stretching
Bubble Wrap for popping
Twigs or wooden coffee stirrers for breaking
Things to promote deep breathing
Bubbles
Pinwheels
Balloons
Scented candles or lotion
Good luck everyone, and feel free to let me know if there are things you think should be added to the list!