Worry Gone Viral: The Coronavirus and 5 tools for parents helping kids with Real-World Fears
Well then. In the last few weeks, things have gone bananas. Our world is changing rapidly on all fronts, and our daily lives have dramatically changed. While our world is always full of unknowns, right now there is deep, global uncertainty about how our world will cope with a genuine, scary threat (oh hello, pandemic, didn't see you there!).
Given the current state of affairs, it would be absurd to not be experiencing some anxiety. However, left unchecked, this anxiety can quickly spiral into a monster all its own, especially in kids. Let's not let worry go viral too.
What follows are 5 ways to take action around managing your child's anxiety in the midst of Real-World-Scaries and global uncertainty.
1. Put on your own oxygen mask first.
First, some good news- you as a parent have an incredible amount of power when it comes to your child's worry. Children from age 2 to teen use parents as a primary reference point for safety, watching caregiver reactions in order to judge how dangerous a situation is.
Have you ever seen a toddler fall down, then immediately look at mom or dad? That child is using "social referencing" to check for safety cues (a.k.a. is mom smiling or wide-eyed with worry?). The look is a silent question- "Did I hurt myself? Am I safe, or should I be crying right now?"
Social referencing continues all through childhood, not just in toddler years, and you can bet it’s happening in the current crisis. All youth take safety cues from adults in the same way (older children are just a bit more sophisticated in their referencing). This means that one of the most powerful things you can do to manage your child's worry is manage your own worry about the situation. Talk to a trusted friend about your own anxieties about the virus, find some good factual sources of information, seek sources of support in your family or community, and get a handle on your own fears before digging in with your kids.
Once you are confident you can present your child with a "Keep Calm, Carry On" kind of demeanor, it's time to...
2. Talk about it.
When faced with something scary, uncertain, and uncomfortable to think about, one of the most tempting things to do is avoid the topic. Instead, we clean. We binge watch Netflix. We talk about just about everything else.
This avoidance urge kicks into overdrive when we are faced with scary, uncomfortable questions from the little ones we love. Sitting across from a young child who is asking unanswerable questions like "is Grandpa going to get sick?" or "when will this be over?", you may find yourself tempted to toss off a quick "he'll be fine" or "it'll all be over soon" and quickly change the subject.
But avoiding the topic will do no one any good.
Most parents I know would do ANYTHING to protect their children from the horrors of the world, and many go to Herculean lengths to try and accomplish this. Unfortunately, the reality is that there is no escaping reality. Aging, aggression, death and tragedy... there is no way to shield children fully from the Big Bummers of the world. This includes illness and the current COVID crisis.
Avoidance may feel good in the short term, but it actually backfires in the long run, because our deepest fears are often driven by the unknown. If we don't share what we know with kids, their lack of knowledge may leave them more likely to get stuck in worry thoughts, unable to move forward.
Instead of avoiding the topic, consider setting a time to sit down and have a 1:1 conversation or even a family conversation about the coronavirus. When you do...
3. Focus on the facts.
Let's start with this Fact: Uncertainty generates anxiety.
Anxiety is, after all, the search for certainty where no certainty exists (See: the Worry Debate). Every time your kid asks you to "promise" nothing bad will happen, or follows a "you'll be fine" with "but how can you be SURE?", you are witness to a child's search for certainty in an uncertain future.
We can't "promise" future safety, but we can reduce how uncertain the situation feels by providing facts. During your coronavirus conversation, your goal is to answer your child's questions in an age-appropriate but fairly comprehensive manner. The amount of "I don't know" in this situation is staggering. But for lots of kids, a little bit of "know" goes a long way.
Avoid cable news if you can (it should be rated R!), and instead provide the basics on infectious disease, transmission of this virus, and how we are working to keep everyone safe. LiveScience has a great resource here. After your initial conversation, a daily update with relevant new information (5 minutes or less) is all that's needed for most kids.
Each day we gain knowledge about this virus, the true risk it poses, and what to do about it. Simple, honest facts will provide a better balm for worry than blanket reassurances ever could. Facts also allow us to move toward one of the biggest tools in worry management- "what to do about it." Which brings us to the next step...
4. Make a plan.
Once you have answered your child's questions, help your child refocus on what is in their control by making a family plan for the COVID crisis, tailored to your child's specific worries about the situation. Making a plan and taking action provides children with a sense of agency and autonomy, and increases the feeling that things are under our control. Examples:
If Little Billy is most worried about aging grandparents getting sick, the action plan might include dropping off or mailing some cleaning supplies to Grandpa's house and offering to pick up groceries for him during your weekly supply run.
If Susie's big worry is that she won't be as close to her friends now that she's not seeing them at school, the plan might include connection actions like handwritten letters and drawings in the mail or daily Skype/FaceTime crafting sessions with friends.
If your child is most worried about their own safety and getting sick, the plan might include watching a youtube video about how to properly wash hands and picking a song to wash to.
Once your plan is in place, it's time to...
5. Press pause on worry and take action.
After a conversation about the virus, an airing of worries, a discussion of the facts, and the creation of a plan, it's time to take action. We can't control the coronavirus, and we can't control the worry thoughts and anxious feelings that show up, but we can control our behavior. Help your child follow through with their plan, then (this is important) refocus on living their fantastic lives, even if worries persist.
It's easy to get "stuck" on worry thoughts. Anxiety feels like an emergency in our bodies (it's activating the body's alarm system, after all), and worry thoughts are great at pulling us in, making it feel like we have to focus on worry RIGHT NOW.
But the truth is, Worry is a bully, and the more attention we give to worry thoughts, the bigger the worry will get. By overfocusing on worry thoughts, we train our brain to believe that those thoughts are urgent and important, needing our immediate attention. The brain, trying to be helpful, will then give us even more "what ifs" and "oh no's" throughout the day.
Instead of letting Worry boss us around, give your child permission to press pause on worry by setting aside 15 minutes in the early evening for "Worry Time". If a worry thought comes up in the day, encourage kids to "save it for Worry Time" by writing it down and setting it aside. When Worry Time comes around, give your child your undivided attention. Listen, let kids know that their worries are normal, and refocus your team efforts on getting the facts, then making a plan for the new worry that has come up.
The beauty of Worry Time is that it allows children learn that worry thoughts are not an emergency, even if they feel like it, and that anxious feelings don’t have to stop kids from living their lives and doing what matters. A worry thought in the middle of a virtual playdate does not mean we have to stop the playdate and go google symptoms or call grandpa this very second- that worried feeling is uncomfortable but not paralyzing, and it's also not permanent. Write down the worry, refocus on the playdate, and the worried feeling will often drift away on its own. Many kids find that when they return to their worry during Worry Time, the scary thoughts feel a lot less urgent and are much easier to challenge.
Below are some additional resources for talking with kids about the virus, as well resources for managing both child and adult worries about the COVID crisis:
Psychology Tools: Guide to Living with Worry and Anxiety Amidst Global Uncertainty
Podcast: Parenting in Anxious Times with Susan Stiffelman
Anxiety and Depression Association of America: Coronavirus Anxiety