Dodge The Worry Debate
Let's talk about The Worry Debate.
Virtually all parents tell me that when they try to help their child see that a worry thought or anxious prediction is unrealistic, they are pulled into a debate with their kid. Each time, their reassurance-seeking anxious child will step up to the podium and take the side of Worry-is-RIGHT. A worry debate looks like this:
Example Worry prediction: "There will be a tornado!"
Little Billy: Dad, look at those clouds. It's really cloudy out! Is it going to storm? What if there's a tornado!?
Dad: Bud, the forecast calls for a few sprinkles. It won't storm. Go play on the playground, you'll be fine.
Little Billy: Wait, but remember that time that we were at the baseball game and the forecast said sunny in the morning but then by the afternoon there were clouds and it turned into a thunderstorm and we had to run back to the car and they stopped the game and everything!?
Dad: Yep, I remember that, but see how the clouds are flat and not puffy? And how they are light gray, not dark grey? That means they are not storm clouds. Nothing to worry about.
Little Billy: BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE!? That one cloud looks dark! And puffy! And you're not a weather man! And that last time you said it wasn't going to storm too, and you told me that it probably wouldn't be anything severe, but then the sirens went off and we had to go to the basement!!
Cue 45 minute debate with your anxious child, who is now an expert prosecutor, poking holes in your evidence and shunning your well-meaning reassurance.
Pro Tip: Don't enter into debate with worry. You will lose.
The problem here is one of certainty. Anxiety is, at its core, the search for certainty where no certainty exists. The reality is, no matter how much evidence we have to the contrary, there is no way that Little Billy's dad can GUARANTEE there will not be a tornado. This is because Dad cannot predict the future. No one can.
Example: I am writing this article on a plane. I cannot be certain that the plane I am on is going to land. I can't guarantee the engines will keep working. I can't guarantee there won't be a flaming meteor that drops from space and crushes the cabin. In fact, I can't be certain that a giant unicorn will not swoop down, stab the plane with its huge horn, and glide off into the sunset with my shocked, terrified (intrigued?) self in the now-depressurized cabin.
Sure, I could examine the available evidence and try to convince myself that this won't happen...
Have I flown on planes before? Yes, many times.
Have I ever flown on a plane that did not land fairly well? No.
Have I ever been flying and observed a giant unicorn? No.
Have I ever encountered a giant unicorn in a situation unrelated to planes? Still no.
Have I ever heard of a unicorn-related plane abduction? No, and I even googled it, just now.
With this evidence in hand, I can say that a giant unicorn plane stabbing accident is very unlikely. But I cannot say WITH CERTAINTY that it won't happen. Because I can't predict the future. I cannot know what will happen 5 seconds from now, until those 5 seconds have passed.
If your kids are beyond their toddler years, they also understand that the future is inherently uncertain, and even Mom and Dad cannot GUARANTEE safety when talking about the future. In fact, the more we try to offer promises and guarantees, the more Worry digs in its heels (like this).
So what to do? Instead of arguing with uncertainty, I'd like to offer a 4 step process for dodging the worry debate:
Answer once, answer well: Answer your child's worry question ONE TIME, but answer it comprehensively. Fear feeds on the unknown, so starting with accurate information can go a long way toward helping a child make a brave choice. In the Little Billy example, we might offer a concise but complete explanation for why we are confident it's unlikely to storm, including the forecast, the cloud type and the seasonal weather pattern.
Relabel as worry: When that anxious child persists and begins to debate your answer, call out the emotion behind the debate (and consider Naming the Bully). For example, "It sounds like Anxiety is really bugging you about this one!" or "Seems like Worry is telling you that you won't be safe unless you are 100% sure there won't be a storm." By helping kids identify and separate from anxiety, we facilitate a more objective evaluation of the worry prediction and give kids permission to disagree with Anxiety's initial (catastrophic) assessment of the situation.
Confidence through competence: Rather than reassuring an anxious child by attempting to predict the future (a.k.a. "I promise it won't storm!"), consider giving your kid a boost by instead reinforcing their competence in tricky situations. It’s the difference between "I am sure of what will happen and can guarantee your safety" and "I don't know what will happen, but I know you (and I) can handle it" . That difference is powerful. What sounds like a simple shift in language actually helps kids build confidence in the ability to deal with adversity (which, incidentally, is how resilience develops). For storm worries, Dad might tell Little Billy "You're right, I didn’t pack my crystal ball, so I can't know for sure what the weather will be. But I’m confident that even if it does storm, we know what to do. You've handled storms before and I bet you can handle them again."
Refocus on what matters: The last step in this process is to reduce the amount of time and energy being given to the worry thought. Bullies like Anxiety thrive on attention but wither in its’ absence, so we need to help kids refocus on whatever is important in that moment. For most children, this means getting back to Fun! Help your worrier shift back into play gear by refocusing or redirecting attention to the activity at hand. For example, "I'm not going to let Worry steal all of our time at the park- I'm going to go check out those swings over there. Wanna come?" Setting limits on discussion of anxiety may feel a little cruel, but is actually incredibly kind, as it's one of the most powerful ways that parents can signal belief that a situation is safe as well as show confidence in a kid's ability to deal with any bumps in the road.
In an uncertain future, things will either go well… or not. Thankfully, by dodging The Worry Debate, your kid will end up with practice tolerating uncertainty and a valuable lesson no matter the outcome: "Worry is a liar" and/or "I can handle it".